41 broken heart emojis = 1 that can’t be deleted 💔

I’ve marked many of my life’s biggest moments with a tattoo; so this just made sense. Here’s tattoo number 7.

Hey Friends,

I had been working away all week on a post about the misconceptions people have about palliative care, but to be honest, I’m so f***ing sad, that it’s hard to stay on track writing about anything. I’ve been speaking/crying to a new therapist, and we are working on dealing with my grief; which is immense right now.

Like, what do you do when the person you’ve lost from your life didn’t die? When you could still pass them driving in your car, or bump into them unexpectedly shopping in the same store at the mall. You could still call them on the phone to hear their voice (but you don’t). You can still text them to tell them you love them and miss them (and you do… even though you try so f***ing hard not to). They aren’t invisible, far off in some other spiritual realm; they literally live a few blocks away in the same city.

I’m grieving the loss of a person who is alive and well, and I don’t have a clue how to do this. He’s right there, but at the same time, he’s definitely, one hundred percent, gone from my life. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

The VP and I haven’t texted a lot since the breakup in November, but a few mornings ago, (while listening to sad songs), I scrolled back through our messages, and counted 41 broken heart emojis that had been sent between us between then and now. Then I sent him a sad song, and another broken heart emoji.

This is the sh*t I’m talking about people.

I AM COUNTING BROKEN HEART EMOJIS IN TEXTS. (Face palm).

I am in uncharted territory.

I remember my middle daughter going through a particularly painful breakup when she was 16, with a guy she’d been dating for a year. After spending an entire day crying on the couch, with my dog Bella snuggling close to comfort her; she came to me in a serious tone, and said “Mom. I need to go get purple hair dye”.

She had to do something, something to mark the end of that relationship, and her feeling different without him. So even though it’s kinda crazy, I didn’t argue with her. I understood; and, I even helped her dye her hair purple, for crying out loud. (I knew it was a phase, and she’s never done it again… thank God).

I could tell that I was heading towards that same moment, of needing to do something to mark this ending, this broken heart, when my daughter and I were driving the other day and I said, “do you think I should get my nose pierced again?”.

(I used to have two nose rings… but that was more than 20 years ago).

Some women/girls dye their hair a crazy colour; some decide they should have bangs (which is NEVER a good idea on the spur of the moment); some might get a piercing; or start dressing a totally different way; and I think guys do this to a certain extent too. They might start working out at the gym like crazy; trade in their “boring” car for a flashy sports car; start dressing in a different style; or grow a hipster beard.

I didn’t get my nose pierced.

But, after counting all of those broken heart emojis, I knew I needed a physical representation of my broken heart in tattoo form. So, as usual, I told no one, and just went and got it. (Still no one knows, except my dog Rudi, and he didn’t tell anyone yet).

I wear this lightning bolt necklace everyday; and I wanted the break in the heart to slightly resemble a lightning bolt. I also wanted the break to remain completely on one side of the heart. One half of my heart is to love my family and friends, and that half isn’t broken. The other half is for love, and well, that half is f***ed.

Lightning doesn’t strike twice. And what’s that other saying? “It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. God, I really hope someday I’ll look back on the past 7 years and feel that’s true.

We human beings, since the beginning of time have always marked beginnings and endings. We have baby showers, funerals, weddings, and graduation ceremonies; and each of these events are marked with a tangible symbol to mark the occasion; wedding rings, graduation certificates, gravestones, birth certificates, etc. We place a ton of importance on beginnings and endings of all kinds, in our lives.

So, I’ve had the ending. And now I’m facing another beginning - a beginning I didn’t want.

*Side note: Just as I was typing the above sentence, (it’s almost 11pm), the VP messaged me out of the blue.

His message was kind, but I could tell he was aiming at this being our last correspondence. Tears are pouring down my face, but I get it. He needs to move on, without me reminding him every week how devastated I am, and how much I still love him. He needs his “ending” to us.

So, I replied back, and told him I wouldn’t message him anymore. I wished him the best; a happy life, and to find new love. Then I said goodbye, and added one last broken heart emoji to make it an even 42.

And just like that, that’s it, the end. 2017-2023. My posts moving forward won’t be about my broken heart, or the VP, because he was my “before”,

and this is “The After”.

Sending you all love in your own beginnings and endings,

Love,

Kim